ou’ve seen the articles. “15 Foods That Are Bad for You,” or “Stop Eating This You Fat Slob.”
They’re usually written by a registered dietitian or nutritionist and contain such groundbreaking revelations as “too much sugar is bad for you,” and “bacon is a bullet that you eat.”
They then try to suggest healthy substitutes for your favorite foods, and it rarely goes well.
1. Replacing Sugary Breakfast Cereals
“Make your own oatmeal from scratch!”
I’m convinced that oatmeal is a lesser-known punishment for mankind’s original sin.
I’m sure God told Adam and Eve on their way out of the Garden of Eden, “Oh, and here’s what you get to eat from now on. It’s called ‘oatmeal.’ Maybe you’ll listen next time.”
2. Replacing Soda
“Adding a slice of lemon to water can provide a burst of flavor!”
No. Adding a slice of lemon to water makes it lemon water.
When I need a Coke Zero, no amount of watered down citrus will substitute for my fizzy, caramel colored, caffeine-delivery-vehicle of choice.
Lemons may prevent scurvy, but they ain’t making my shakes go away.
3. Replacing Fried, Grilled, or Broiled Food
“Choose healthier cooking methods such as boiling or steaming!”
Because nothing hits the spot quite like a boiled quarter-pounder topped with steamed bacon.
I live to eat, while you don’t even eat to live. You eat to punish and torture, and I rebuke your nutritional S&M.
4. Replacing Cookies and Cakes
“Try Greek yogurt or fresh fruit.”
Now you know damn well that no one who’s craving a chocolate chip cookie is going to be happy with a kiwi.
At least try some realistic advice like, “top your piece of triple chocolate cake with some sliced strawberries to add some vitamins and fiber to your desolate wasteland of a diet.”
5. Replacing French Fries
“Potatoes are best consumed boiled, not fried.”
Oh, I see you want to fight now.
A boiled potato will NEVER be better than a fried potato.
Unless you boil them, mash them, add 3 cups of full fat cream, a stick of butter, and a handful of salt. Is that what you meant? If so, then we don’t have to fight.
We can just agree to disagree, because french fries are still better.
6. Replacing Low-Carb Nutrition Bars
“Aim for foods that are naturally low in carbs, which include eggs, seafood, and leafy greens.”
There’s a reason they make these bars — they’re supposed to be convenient to take on-the-go.
I am not going to be driving to work munching away on a head of lettuce, or sitting at my desk feeling peckish and whip out a halibut.
7. Replacing Potato Chips
“If you need something crunchy to replace potato chips, try baby carrots.”
What the flippin’ hell?!?
Just because two things are crunchy doesn’t mean they are the same.
Let me illustrate with an analogy. George Clooney and I are both men, but when you look at the two of us side by side, I’m sure we’ll all agree …
George writes a pretty shitty patent application.